Hmm …. I thought I would somehow sidestep some of the questions I posed, by hand-waving. Didn’t work. So Tor, my good friend, asked me to answer the question I asked earlier.

Here is what she asked: “so, my question for you is: why the need for rational when you are talking about interactions with people?”

Irrationality, like laziness, is a default for me. Like everybody else, I am start imagining a lot of things when I am interacting with people. Its only when I am working, reading, writing, listening to music that I attain some focus. Music is the unusual one in the list. It is the only one that I can internalize in a short time. Coltrane.

On one hand, I think about my interactions with people and invariably have to start sifting through my thoughts just so I can try and make sense of anything.

On the other hand, I have been given a lot of second chances by people I thought would have given up their faith and hope in me. Gratitude.

Therefore, if I am rational or at least when I try to be, then it helps me understand the reasons behind the good and bad things people say or do.  Understanding has the power to drive out most of the negative thoughts. This, of course, has the added advantage of having more time to think about work.

My second post of the day. Have a presentation to give on Wednesday, so all the more reason to procrastinate.

A few people have made favorable comments about my blog over the past couple of weeks. In turn, I should thank the person whose blog I read at some point and decided that I too should write.

Thanks, Kyla.

Tune playing in my head, on my iPod, on my computer. ‘Dancing at Sunset’ from Karsh Kale’s album - Broken English. Reminds me of playing Pink Floyd’s Echoes for days at end. After a while, not playing the song brings an eerie silence.

A dull headache after being in the pool yesterday. Was learning the breast- and back-stroke. Learning new skills has always been mildly traumatic. The song and the headache are throbbing synchronously.

Time for a cuppa tea.

Well, thank you to all the friends and family who have visited my blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A hundred blog hits. How cool is that!

“Why the need to control our own thoughts?”

It is inherent in our nature to let the mind to roam around wherever. A spiritual answer would be that we have to keep it in check and focus our efforts towards a purpose. This purpose could be the completion of the task at hand to the best of our abilities. I have always leaned toward a spiritual need for the purpose. I am sure people have different views about this. To each his own.

“How much do other people’s actions or words affect our own thoughts?”

(I have to state the obvious first - I am only speaking for myself).  I am very much influenced by my friend’s and family’s words and actions. Very much. Trust comes easily. With trust comes the standards I set for myself and others. This trust is an absolute blessing most of the time. A comfort during tough times. However, it can also be the wall that one builds around oneself. A wall that one builds so well that it becomes nearly impossible to break. A curse.

The dual nature of trust (that one places on others) is evident. Once this awareness comes, it would be foolish to delve into it anymore. (The dual nature of everything around us. Now that I will leave for a later time). It is crucial, according to me, to ponder on how to break free from this duality. True freedom comes when one is first aware of the chains that bind and then breaks away from the chain. Digression: (Adapted from the boy with the spoon) - Wisdom, in this case,  would be to realize that there are no chains).

This brings us back to the influence other people have on our thoughts. I have now realized that it is not the other person but it is only me who reacts. It is not without but within.

To expect trust and love from others is wrong.  However, when it comes to you, one should be grateful. Easier said than done. This brings us back to the first question I posited. The need to discipline one’s mind to keep itself within. To look for beauty within. If someone comes along and shares something beautiful (love and trust), then to accept it. I think this would result in the mind becoming completely open and yet not wandering. It would be open for everything - trust, love, heartbreak, jealousy, laughter, sadness, laziness, vigor. Everything.

Have been waking up later than usual. The eyes open at around 5.45 and am awake around 6.15. Late for me but its great too. Had a wonderfully relaxing weekend at the Makwana home in LA.

I have been working on multiple things lately - in the lab and in my personal front. Like most other people, I get the feeling that I don’t have complete control over my things. It is the tasks in the day that control me rather than the other way around. I don’t mean this in a superficial manner but rather on the level of the mind. Once the task begins, I am completely into it physically but mentally I am all over the place.

This doesn’t mean that I do not spend quality time on my experiments. I do. My mind goes into this hyper-activity zone. I can think of a hundred different things at the same time. However, when all this involves other people, it can get quite difficult.

These days I have been questioning my need to be in control and the way it has been affecting my thought process.

Some basic questions: Why the need to control our own thoughts? How much do other people’s actions affect our own thought process? How rational are we when we react to other people’s words and actions? How much do our past experiences influence the way we feel today?

I think I might have come up with answers - right or wrong, I don’t know.

So much for being prompt about writing. Tor, my apologies. I can only give you an usual scientist excuse - a deadline. Better late than never, they say.

I have never thanked you. I realize that you would think I don’t really have to thank you, but I feel I should.

Thank you for being. You certainly opened my mind about a lot of things. Good experiences for me.

Anyway, you left in 2002, if I am not mistaken or was it 2003. I remember vaguely that you had finished your studies at OSU and were headed to W country. I was somewhat preoccupied with my own things to notice life around me. I was most certainly stressed about a lot of things.

2003 was a very difficult year for me. A time for getting my priorities right. Questions I had to answer for myself. ‘Did I really love science?’ ‘Was it love or was it the idea of being in love (apologies to Pink Floyd)?’ ‘Was I cut out to be a scientist?’ ‘Did I really believe in myself or was it I was reassured constantly by the confidence people has me?’

By the end of the year, I had answered all these questions.